I would like to say sorry to everyone that I may have offended with one of my posts or comments. I've been suffering with depression for the past 8 years and 4 years ago I reached a state where I was no longer leaving my bed and interacting with people. I got better 3 years ago but in 2023 everything started again. And this time I also lost all my friends because of my paranoia and mood desorder. I've recently restarted my therapy and I'm now taking a drug for anxiety and depression, and I hope this can stop with intrusive thoughts and help me to regain control over my mood. Besides depression, my bad behavior could possibly be related to an undiagnosed neurodivergency, so I'm working with a therapist to help me understand this. I have trouble with communication and when I can't be understood after spending a lot of time writing somethint, I'm easily triggered and start to think people are mad at me. I get emotional and my reasoning simply stops working. That is when I say something that can hurt other people.
edit:
I'm also full of traumas/insecurities due to bad work colleagues who bullied me when i started my carreer. I was called "dumb" is so many creative disguised ways. Like, once they changed my profile picture to a koala one. And they also gave me a mug with "ant man" to call me an ant. This still causes me pain and when someone criticizes what I said/wrote without saying the "whys" I get irritated because I feel they are also calling me dumb and i wouldnt understand them.
Likewise I've not noticed anything out of line, and I've (so far) managed to read every post in this forum since day 0. Compared to some of the ravings in the world at present you seem well down the list of anything offensive, and likewise please report anything you think is unfair also. Obviously great that you are so self-aware. Please carry on.
Im feeling depressed and i dont know what to do for my life. I got away from all my friends and now im alone. Im having a crises righg now and i want to cry becayse i only keep doing wrong decisions. I dont know how to get away from these feelings. Im seeing people progressing in their lifes and im stuck. I dont have a full time job anymore and i dont think i can handle it. My current project isnt going well and they will probably cut me. Im feeling desperate and dont know what to do. Why am i failing so badly? Why is life so hard?
Among people I know: one staves off depression by singing in a choir, one bakes bread, one attempts to help other folk in an online forum and a fourth adopts stray cats.
For myself: looking out of the window I see the trees lashing in a gale and I'm sure a walk up the nearest hill defying the elements would lift my spirits.
There are no easy answers, just manage one day at a time.
Don't pay attention to the progress of others - instead, reach deep and understand your own ambitions, and follow them - you will equally experience the same joy
Example:
I often witness others way ahead of me in life, from old school friends, and alike - In fact, most of my previous school friends - are in fact progressing further then myself.
My ambition is to be a musician / producer:
I spend hours in doing what I love (Music) - it's those hours, that are my most enjoyable, and I don't think twice about others.
I was not put on this earth to follow the success of others, I was put here to fire up Ableton Live (DAW) and have a great time.
What I am trying to say is, do what matters to you, not others, yeah sure.... there will be discussions along the way, but that's normal - and is part of the journey we are all on
You are clearly doing the right thing, by speaking up, and acting on it - You are stronger then you might think... Keep it up!
If you regularly read Hacker News then you will discover that you're definitely not alone. It's about the only place I found where people (mostly tech people but also others) are honest enough to speak of their troubles. Burn out and depression are topics that pop up semi-regularly.
Recently I learnt of the term nocebo by watching a video on brain and psychedelic experience. The scientist ended up questioning his life's work by having had a psychedelic experience. That must have been a terrifying for that person. The conversation also talked about the placebo effect and mentioned the opposite effect: nocebo: imagining how bad something will be and that makes the actually experience worse than not having thought about it. I think many people have a nocebo effect about life - me included in darker moments.
There is much literature on coping with life and what life deals out - probably since the dawn of consciousness humans have been asking themselves what they are doing here (after the two more fundamental questions of nourishment and procreation). Our existence has a lot to do with the fact that our ancestors chose procreation as the answer to the question "why am I here". And as a result, we have to come to terms with something that ends in death - not a nice feeling but our parents and their parents and the parents of those parents all had the same issue to deal with.
Each generation made and makes their own choices. No one makes a bad choice, only with hindsight do we realise that we may have made a bad decision. Our choices are always made to benefit us, no one makes a conscious bad decision - hindsight is the judge of our decisions.
Personally I've spent much time thinking about the fundamental question - 42 is a nice answer but the question must be absolutely the most beautiful thing in existence. I think I might ask AI to give me the question for the answer.* I do believe that Douglas Adams provided the best approach to dealing with life in the text of the Hitchhikers Guide - for me far more inspiration than any religious text.
Finally, I find much solace in writing this stuff down, getting it out of my head. Experimenting with new technology (be it digital or biological) and generally throwing myself at life and then missing it so that I can float. (a mis-appropriated quote from Hitchhikers).
*=I'm currently experimenting with AI agents talking to themselves - get the question for answer will be the next topic!
